I'm determined to start journaling regularly again. I thought I'd get things started with a meme.




( What Have You Done? BOLD THEM! )

I'm not one for resolutions, and I don't usually celebrate New Years Eve, but I don't ignore it either. I usually think back on the year behind me, and look foreward to the one ahead. At many times throughout 2006, there was a song that would come to mind. I thought of it when I graduated nursing school, and when I started my first job as a nurse. I thought of it when it became clear that Jayden was going to be ours. And I thought of it when I really needed to. When the job didn't work out, when I got bogged down in my sisters' struggles, or my own depression. When my grandmother died....

I don't think it was a real big hit, but it has a lot to say, and I agree with it. It's a fundamental part of who I am that I'm always searching for, working toward- Better Days.





Better Days


And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

-By the Goo Goo Dolls

I just finished reading 'Running with Scissors' and 'Dry' by Augusten Borroughs. (I eat books like candy). I read a lot of memoirs because I would like to write my own someday. One thing that I have learned, from my own life and from memoires, is that the truth is, most definitely, stranger than fiction. (obviously I'll have to do some work with my grammar before I write anything) I used to think that I could never publish my life story because it's so damn crazy, no one would believe me. Obviously this is not a concern of Augusten Burroughs. He just lets it all hang out - and I believe every word of it. 'Running" was a little painful to read, but definitely worth it. 'Dry' was even better in my opinion. It was definitely funnier. He's got one more out, 'Magical Thinking' I think it's called. I'm not sure if it's another memoir or fiction, but I'll have to check it out. It was also interesting reading something from the viewpoint of a gay man. I don't really have any gay-guy friends right now, and never really knew any growing up. Ironically, one of my first boyfriends ended up coming out years after we broke up, but I hardly ever hear from him. I loved him, part of me still does, but he really was kind of a jerk. He changed A LOT after coming out, but that's something that's stayed pretty much the same. But where am I going with this anyways? One minute I'm reviewing a book the next I'm reminiscing about Ryan-the-jerk-who-I-will-always-have-a-soft-spot-for.

So back to the the books. They were great. It's amazing that this guy had no schooling beyond elementary school. It just goes to show that some talents, you are just born with. I haven't seen the movie yet, wanted to read the book first. I can't imagine how a movie could convey as much as the book did, but then, they rarelly do. I think 'Interview with the Vampire' was the only exception to this. The movie was awesome, the book nearly bored me to tears.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Go to Popculturemadness, and find the greatest hits for the year you turned 18. (on the left-hand side)
2. Select at least the first 40.
3. Bold the ones you like.
4. Strike out the ones you hate.
5. Italicize the ones you are familiar with but neither like nor hate.
6. Leave the ones you don't know as is.



( here's my list )

Allright, is anyone having issues with LJ tonight, or is it just my computer? I keep getting these error messages, and then links that sort of.... I don't know....die

Anyone? Anyone? Bueler?

Here's the deal. You look over the following list and see how many of these things you have done. You have to add up the money amount along the way. Then post the amount that you are as the title of the bulletin.

Had sex: $6.00
Smoked: $5.00
Got drunk: $5.00
Went skinny dipping: $3.00
Kissed someone of the opposite sex: $4.00
Kissed someone of the same sex: $4.00
Cheated: $2.00
Fell asleep in class: $0.51
Been expelled: $5.00
Been in a fist fight: $3.00
Given oral: $5.00
Got oral: $5.00
Prank called the cops: $3.00
Stole something: $20.03
Done drugs: $5.00
Dyed your hair: $0.50
Done something with someone older (like a few years): $3.00
Went out with someone OVER 18 (if your under 18): $4.00
Ate a whole thing of oreos: $0.50
Cried yourself to sleep: $1.00
Said you love someone but didnt mean it: $1.00
Been in love: $4.00
Got caught doing something that you shouldnt have been doing: 1.00
Went streaking: $4.00
Got arrested: $5.00
Madeout with someone at the movies: $2.00
Peed in the pool: $0.50
Played spin the bottle: $1.00
Done something you regret: $3.00

Well I completed an online application tonight, submitted the resume and everything. Tomorrow Im going to a local drug treatment center that's hiring nurses right now to drop off another resume. I hate to get away from my clinical skills, but I'm also very drawn to this kind of work. I find I can really connect with these people in a meaningful way. So if I get the job, it'll pay the bills until something more clinical comes up. Chances are, even when that happens, I'll still work a shift or two at the treatmet center. I honestl feel like I could make a difference there.

Tomorrow will be a busy day (Dr's appointments for the kids, about 1,000 phone calls to make, errands to run etc.), but that's just what I need to get myself going again.

I just have to say this "determined" kitty emoticon (see previous post) is cracking me up. It really does remind me of my own cat when she's hot on the trail of a mouse, or a dust-bunny :)

So I am now officially 29. Why is it that this seems so much older than 28? I've been a married woman with adult responsibilities for years now, and I've always felt older than my actual age, but for some reason, 30 seems like a "real adult" to me. I'm mot so sure I'm ready for that. Well, I guess I have a year to get used to it.

I'm feeling all morose right now, but I'll do a list of things I'm thankful for. Maybe that'll give me the kick in the ass I need to break out of this depressive funk. I am truly thankful for (in no particular order):

-my husband John
-my two beautiful, sweet little boys, who make it all somehow seem worthwhile
-the roof over our heads, the food in our bellies and the love we have for each other
-my best friend Melissa, who I can go for months without talking to, but instantly pick up where we left off without missing a beat. The one kid that would let the new, shy, redheaded girl sit next to her on the bus in 1'st grade
-my intelligence and my ability to see things in people that others may miss
-my mom and my sisters, who, though they've brought me more grief that anything in the past few years, will always share a bond with me that comes from being together through all the experiences that makes us who we are
-my(finally!)long, golden-red curls
-all the opportunities I've had to learn

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

1. Yourself: me
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse: John
3. Your hair: red
4. Your mother: mine
5. Your father:gone
6. Your favorite item:kitty
7. Your dream last night:darkness
8. Your favorite drink:coffee
9. Your dream car: someday
10. The room you are in:bedroom
11. Your ex: nope
12. Your fear:everything
13. What you want to be in 10 years? myself
14. Who you hung out with last night? John
15. What you're not? selfish
16. Muffins: heavy
17. One of your wish list items: camera
18. Time:today
19. The last thing you did: art
20. What you are wearing: nightie
21. Your favorite weather: snow
22. Your favorite book: lost
23. The last thing you ate: popcorn
24. Your life: sucks
25. Your mood: overwhelmed
26. Your best friend:love
27. What are you thinking about right now? this
28. Your car: away
29. What are you doing at the moment?typing
30. Your summer: yuck
31. Your relationship status: ok
32. What is on your TV? static
33. What is the weather like? cold
34. When is the last time you laughed?10:30

Well, I took Jason to see Happy Feet. I have to say, I was a little dissapointed though. The penguins were cute as Hell, but the story was actually long and complex, and a little boring. I'm surprised more of the kids in the theatre didn't get fidgity. Jason seemed to like it though, and that's all that really matters.

Cranked out a copy of my resume for one of the hospitals I'm applying too. I started it from a template on this resume sight, and when I E-mailed it to my friend to check out, the format was all screwed up. So now I don't know if I'm going to have to redo the whole thing or just figure out how to fix the formatting. I really wish I was just a little more computer literate.

I feel like such a dork admitting this, but I really can't wait to see "Happy Feet". At least I have my 4 year old son (Jason) to use as an excuse. I'm sorry, but it just looks so freakin' cute! I don't usually do "cute", but I could use a little pick me up right now.

Well, I'm home alone today. No work, no kids, whatever shall I do? I'll tell ya. I'm gonna REST. My mysterious aching was acting up really bad last night. Plus I have a touch of a cold, plus, I'm just downright exhausted from working the weekend. (And no, nothing has changed there still SSDD). I have an appointment with Donna at 2:30 today, and there's a chance Jayden might get sent home from daycare, so it's not complete solitude, but that's okay, it's enough for me. I've been working on trying to get to the movies before "The Departed" stops showing. I've been dying to see the movies since I first heard o it, but we just haven't been able to get there. Hmmmm....... I watched Marcus for Meg one day last week, maybe she'll watch them some night so we can go. Not very likely, but stranger things have happened. Well, we'll see. Too lazy to update right now.

* dominant or submissive -dominant
* logical or intuitive -intuitive
* social or loner -loner by default
* kinky or vanilla -vanilla
* cute or sophisticated -cute
* kitten or puppy -kitten
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin -satin
* leader or follower -leader
* quiet or talkative -depends
* spontaneous or planned -depends
* teddy bear or porcelain doll -porcelain doll
* hiking or window shopping -window shopping
* tequila or vodka -vodka
* top or bottom -top
* bare foot or shoes -barefoot
* jeans or slacks -jeans
* tender or rough -tender
* aware or dreamy dreamilly aware
* nerd or jock -nerd
* brains or brawns -brains
* common sense or book smarts -book smarts

Well, we never did get over to the new neighbors. Things get so busy! I leave for work at 5:45 AM and get home around 5pm. By then,all I want to do is collapse. Most days I can barely bring myself to help John with the kids and get dinner. Jayden's worst time of day is around 5:00. He used to nap from 3 until about then, but he's "growing out" of that schedule. Plus, John usually picks him up from daycare at 4:45. So by 5:00, he's tired enough to be miserable, but not enough to nap. Plus, if he did nap at 5:00, we'd never get him to bed at night. So in the evenings we have: one exhausted mother, one harried, frazzled father, one very cranky and clingy 18-month-old and one hyped up 4-year-old. Hmmm.... maybe we'll get over there on the weekend.
Looking back at my last entry, I have to smile. I am so predictable when it comes to my mood swings. Like clock-work, two days before my period, my emotions get all screwed up. Last month, when I was having all that trouble at work, it just had to be during that blessed week. To make things worse, it was an exceptionally BAD period emotionally. No wonder I kept crying at work. Yeah, it was a difficult situation that would have brought anyone to tears at times, but I just COULD NOT STOP. It's funny at the time, I didn't even make the connection, but looking back, it's pretty obvious. A couple weeks ago, I had another meeting with my manager. Not a tear was shed. I think she was surprised. I'm an emotional person with RCD to begin with, I don't need PMDD and immense stress and anxiety to gang up on me all at once, that's just not fair!
It's funny, this one nurse who's been my preceptor a lot lately, she thinks I'm all young and naive and everything. She's about my mom's age and a little burnt out on nursing. We get these drug addicts and suicide attemps, sometimes both together, and she treats them like absolute shit. Yes, I realize, they are costing the nation huge bucks in health care, and I'm aware they put themselves in these situations (most of the time) and I know better than anyone how manipulative they can be. (read: Bizz). But I also realize that they didn't just wake up one morning and say, "I think I'm gonna become a drug addict today." Or "well, life kinda sucks right now, and I'm not getting my way, I think I'll kill myself, and fuck it if I hurt the people who love and depend on me." Things are never that simple. I would think someone of her age and experience would know that. I just want to say to her, "how fortunate for you that you've never felt so overwhelmed and helpless that you felt you couln't live anymore." Plus, I see depression as a diease, like diabetes. It can be controled, if you're lucky, and it does require work on the patient's behalf. But it is a disease, and people aren't usually blamed for having a disease.
Even putting my personal beliefs aside, which is what nurses are supposed to do, we were taught not to judge patient, and treat them all with respect. I don't know if the word compassion was in there, but it probably was. It most certainly should be! Her interpretation of my "naivete" makes me think of a line from a song, "It's not because I didn't know enough, it's 'cuz I knew too much" I'm not saying I'm a know it all or anything, I'm just saying I've seen the other sides of the coin, I HAVE walked a mile in their shoes, and that's where my compassion comes from, not out of ignorance.

So the new neighbors finally moved in across the street. We have watched their house being built for the past year. It used te be our other neighbor's private tennis court. I guess they realized that real-estate was at an all time high around here, and having your own tennis court (that you never use) is kind of pretentious. They got it sold just in time though, I guess the prices have leveled off and are even dropping a little. We literally have watched this process from the start. We probably know more about their house than they do right now. My one-year-old's first phrase was the "beep beep beeep" of construction vehicles backing up. He does a pretty good impression I have to say.
It's a little intimidating living across the street from a house that we know sold for over $800,000.00. We rent our house and can barely pay the $1,100.00 a month. Can you say "the checks in the mail". We drive a 10 year old Corolla and a 6 year old Mazda Protege, which is in worse shape than the Corolla, despite it's being newer. They have 3 SUV's, one of which is a very pretty Escalade. Oh well, at least we're getting better gas mileage.
My four-year-old wanted to go over and meet them this morning, (what? Doesn't everyone get up at 6:00 AM on a holiday Monday?) I told him we could go over later, when we were actually dressed, (as opposed to us being in random pajama type garments that I just threw on us to get the kids out of the house so John could get an extra fifteen minutes of sleep and I could get my morning coffee at Dunkin' Donuts.) Yeah, I know, run on sentence. Hey, it's my journal damnit! I told him we'd have to act normal though. He promptly displayed this concept, by screaming out at a passing bike rider- "I'M GONNA BE SPIDER MAN FOR HALLOWEEN!" He almost knocked the guy off his bike. When I suggested to my husband we wear clothes that matched, he gave me a funny look and said, "You mean you want us all to dress alike?!?"
Yup, normal, that's us.

So I think I've figured this thing enough to launch my journal. So what if I've been a member for over a year now! I've been busy! (OK, so maybe I'm also just a teeny bit computer illiterate, but I'm getting there!) I bet a lot of people start these journals promising themselves they'll keep them up. So maybe I won't curse myself by making any promises. If it works out..... great, if not.... oh well. At least there's a lot to learn here. I like to learn.